I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
