Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
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shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
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I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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