now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
