why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Dicks are not precious.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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