Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
