Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
