haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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