i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
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you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
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You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
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