How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
All the doctor said was why
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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