if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
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And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
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Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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