Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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