I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
