Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
