I heard we made out
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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