And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize