I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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