laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
