Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I'm jealous of your bromance
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
