when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Operation Purity has been aborted
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
