well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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