Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
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MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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