They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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