I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
