i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I need to sanitize my soul.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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