She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
