I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
