she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
