I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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