you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
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