i just wanna soil my oats bro
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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