Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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