its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Fuck me I smell like cheese
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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