her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
