I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
