i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
