There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize