Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
