i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
