i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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