It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
