Is it normal to miss your booty call?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
