Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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