she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize