I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Need sex. Gaining weight.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
