I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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