Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
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well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
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I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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