No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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