Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
