She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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