my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Rumble strips road head = magical
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
