Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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