Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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