we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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